on being an introvert (part 1)

I'm an introvert. Oftentimes I want to curl up in a corner after being with a lot of people for a long amount of time. Or I just don't want to be with people from the start. For a while there, I would feel quite sorry for myself, because I thought no one wanted to include me in the conversation. The fact is, I didn't want to include myself in the conversation, but it got so I thought it was everyone else's fault. Unfortunately, I only realized it this school year and am only just now starting to work on that.

Here's an excerpt from my journal that shows what I mean (with some changes where they were needed):

{some people had suggested a group of us go to Prince Street after an activity}...I wanted to go, but after thinking about it, I was sure I couldn't go. Transportation just wasn't happening, plus I didn't have any clothes to change into {I was in a costume}. I thought about it on the way home. I think I probably wouldn't have had the best time if I had gone, because I don't feel "in". I wanted to go, though, because I wish I had a group of friends I was close to, shared memories with, and was appreciated by {by the way, I do have friends, but things aren't always just the way I imagine they should be. Plus, when I'm all woe-is-me, things don't look quite the same :)}. I want to have friendships where I feel comfortable, relaxed, and don't need to say anything. I feel like I'm not very good with relationships. I want to get better at being more open and vulnerable, but I just can't. I want to have a place where I feel welcomed, safe, and...oh, I dunno. I guess I wish I was more extroverted and gushy, even. It's confusing {tell me about it}. I want to be better at giving, and not just receiving. I have felt like a loner this year, since I stay at home doing school so much. Unfortunately, that's pretty much who I am. It's weird, I'm like an introvert who wants to be an extrovert. I want more people and relationships in my life, but I don't like more people and relationships. I want to like them! I want to hang out with people and laugh and share. I don't like it though. I want to hang out with people at cafés, but I don't like it. Ugh. I'm afraid I want relationships where people appreciate me and where I feel comfortable, but don't have to step over my comfort zone and actually contribute (which is supposed to happen in friendships). I've got these two parts of myself fighting against each other. I want friendships, but somehow expect them to come waltzing along with no effort from me. That's not right.

So this is what I've been working on: being an intentional friend, actually trying to connect to people (not just blaming things on them, which they usually don't deserve). And I have (slowly) gotten better at it.

To continue....

Giving thanks for...

It's a day late, but ya know...cooking, family, and pie.

1. the fact that everyone could be here for Thanksgiving

2. my parents

3. my sister

4. all my brothers

5. theatre and singing opportunities through The Academy (spellcheck says "theatre" is incorrect. Spellcheck got no class)

6. learning to appreciate my body and how to take care of it

7. learning to let go of schedules, plans, and what I think should happen

8. devotions in the morning

9. lights in the kitchen

10. Pumpkin Spice Roll ice cream (it is thing)
11. being able to learn through Veritas Press.
12. family 
13. traditions
14. movie and game nights
15. a patient Redeemer and Friend
16. the beautiful moon last night
17. my nieces
18. the view out back
19. changing seasons
20. having the knowledge and tools to be healthy
21. Thanksgiving break (and breaks in general)
22. my journal
23. youth choir
24. mercies new every morning
25. old and new friends
26. hikes
27. hot chocolate
28. candles
29. (almost) free reign over the kitchen
30. talks with Mom
31. snow
32. chickens and the vegetable garden
33. Christmas lights 
34. the seasonal colors of the kitchen: butternut squash, pomegranates, parsley...
35. family (again)

Lamp and Sword

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."
-Psalm 119: 105

"For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart."
-Hebrews 4:12

I often put off doing Bible reading. It is hard to see the point in plowing my way through all the minor prophets. They just say the same thing, over and over and over again. I don't want to sit down and study the Word, but I also know that I should. Why should I?

As Psalm 119 says, it is lamp to my feet. It will guide me through life. If I am dwelling in the word every day, and (unconsciously) soaking up its truths, during times of tribulation I will remember encouraging verses or the different promises God has made. 

The Word is sharper than a two edged sword. Even though I am going through the slightly repetitive minor prophets, the Holy Spirit has convicted me about all sorts of things, where I hadn't looked for them. I shouldn't underestimate the power of God and His Scriptures.

Sometimes I get discouraged when not everyday is a grand revelation. If I don't read something life altering (hee) every single time, I think it isn't "working". God doesn't stick to our plans, though. As C.S. Lewis said about Aslan, "he isn't a tame lion." 

Thank you for listening to my rambly post. :)

"Now these Jews were more noble than those in Thessalonica; they received the word with all eagerness, examining the Scriptures daily to see if these things were true."
-Acts 17:11

30 days of beautiful: day 30

~happy to have a homestead~

I am really glad to have our lil' farm. Well, chickens and a vegetable garden. :) I'm glad we can provide our own eggs and some of our produce. It really is a joy to take care of the hens and garden. I love being in the sunshine picking beans, searching for strawberries, or laughing at the chickens' antics. I have beauty in my backyard everyday.

30 days of beautiful: day 4

~Zephaniah 2:11~

I've been reading through the minor prophets lately, and it has been really good. They are constantly describing God's might and works. It makes me in total awe of our Lord.

Creation: God and man

In Sunday School we just finished studying the story of creation, and whether or not the way God created the world has an impact on our purpose in life (hint: it does). I was struck by a couple different points and thought I'd share them.

1) God is a God of process

God took six days to create the world and on the seventh He rested. God took His time and didn't create everything all at once. How does this relate to our lives? Well, we are going through a process too. God sent Jesus to die on the cross and save us (part one of the process) and then when Jesus returned to heaven, He sent the Holy Spirit to be with us (part two). Even now, we are going through the process of sanctification, with the Spirit convicting and guiding us (part three). God isn't rushing anything. He wants us to learn, even if it's hard to remember.

2) The Bible is a story about God

Yeah, yeah, so it's sorta obvious, but at the same time, it's not. We know that the Bible is of God because it is His word, but it is also about God. I'd never really thought about it that way. I've tried to read my Bible with that view in mind (what can I learn about God in this chapter), though it's difficult and I don't want to think about it because I've got to move on to the next project, etc.

3) Adam was working in the garden.

Genesis 2:16: "The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it." Adam wasn't just sitting around with Eve eating fruit, petting the animals, and talking to God. He had work to do, though I'm not sure what it entailed. Work isn't a punishment that came after the Fall. It was there from the beginning, starting with God Himself, but it's because of sin (and hence our grumpy attitudes) that make work hard or boring.

Everyone knows the first three chapters of Genesis. "In the beginning..." and so on. This class really delved into it though, and it was very interesting. Who knew that the "simple" Creation story could have so much packed into it?

Love in the Wind

It whispers, it roars. It tears through trees, ripping off branches or scattering petals like rain. Ripples in the pond, waves in the sea. Sends leaves skittering across the road. Makes the rain lash the windows. It is strong, it is gentle, it is powerful.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, not things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39

The shield

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication." -Ephesians 6:10-18

When I read this last summer (I think), I was struck that Paul said "in every circumstance" to take up your shield of faith. That should be my instinct whenever something comes up, good or ill. The evil one is on the prowl even in the happy times (like at a birthday party), and we must be ready with our shield to deflect the darts (judgmental or jealous thoughts). I think it's amazing that God has given this weapon--simple faith in Him--that will enable us to "extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one". 

Raise your shields, one and all.

Coming up for air

Christmas Break...is...here!

After weeks and weeks of school, due dates, projects, stress, and fun, I have a breather (sorta. Exam studying will happen somehow). I think I shall be ensconced in the kitchen most of the time, testing out two recipes. I'll tell you how that goes. ;) I also want to read something, but need some suggestions. Anyone? 

This school year's been super busy, but super great too. I (thankfully) enjoy all my classes and am learning things that don't even involve school directly. Number one is that I can easily be sucked into the vortex of blogs or Pinterest or instagram and then I remember I should probably be working on a paper or something. It is very easy to just keep going from blog to blog to blog, and then twenty minutes have past and I've got nothing productive done. Number two is connected to number one, and it's that school comes first. It's okay if I don't get around to working out or replying to those letters. As long as I get my school done and get it done well, it's all fine. It gets rid of a lot of stress and makes school more enjoyable.

Unfortunately, with all the busyness, I haven't had time to get into the "Christmas spirit", let alone think about it's true meaning. We have Advent devotions on Sundays, but sometimes my mind wonders, so I don't really have an excuse besides being busy. :) I want to squish a lot of things into the next two weeks, but I need to make some time to sit and remember. 

Anyways, on to yummy stuff. Today I made these, but replaced the sunflower butter with tahini (weird, I know, but delicious!) and used coconut sugar instead of maple syrup. They don't have really strange or unusual ingredients, so anyone could make them. I also made this chocolate a few days ago. I want to make all sorts of other sweet stuff, but I'll probably stick with these and just eat a bunch to make up for variety. ;)

Merry Christmas one and all! Enjoy your time with loved ones and celebrating the birth of our Savior!

 "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth." --John 1:14

"And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom He is pleased.'" --Luke 2:13-14

'fessing up

For the past month, I've been eating like a cave-girl.

That's right, I've been eating Paleo. And not just Paleo, Autoimmune Protocol Paleo (AIP). It's not that I have an autoimmune disease (that I know of), but the hows and whys behind it made sense to me. So after my last bowl of homemade yogurt, I was off!

I'm calling this "'fessing up", because I was a little afraid to write it after this post. I had just said I didn't have any serious health problems and was happy to eat rice casserole. Well, I guess that wasn't strictly true. I did have some health problems (though maybe not as terrible as the ones I'd mentioned) that I sorta brushed aside or didn't want to admit to. I had some digestive issues and felt tired a lot. 

I'm not denying that God sent me peace. He did and I still agree with what I said in my post. There is not a perfect diet out there that is going to make me feel like Supergirl all the time. I will always have bad days and good days. But eating AIP has helped me. I don't feel tired anymore and my digestive stuff is much better. 

This post isn't to make you all eat like I do. It was just to spill the beans, so to speak (or berries, since I can't have beans, haha). It will obviously cause changes on the blog, since my recipes will now be AIP or Paleo. Also, I felt like I should write it just to clear up any confusion about the other post.

So anyways, that was my little "confession". :) I hope you didn't start wagging your finger at me. I must admit, I felt rather silly after switching over to AIP. I thought I had decided against grain-free, let alone dairy-, nut-, egg-, legume-, and nightshade-free! But things happen....

Note: I am not eating Paleo because I believe our Paleolithic ancestors ate this way and therefore I should. I am basing my decision off information from this book, blogs like these, and personal experience. 

Oh, and thanks, Wondermark. Why eat Paleo if you can't make fun of it too?

On health and life. Sorta.

I'm interested in health and can get obsessive about it, like I said in this post. I believe food is important and definitely has an affect on your overall health. However, it needs to be kept in balance with everything else.

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I like reading about probiotics, fats, flour, and hydrogenated oils. I like making (and eating) fermented foods and nutritious breakfast goodies.

Unfortunately, since I enjoy it so much, I can let health control my life. For the past couple months I have been so stressed out, had an overload of information, and felt like I don't know what to believe. I want to be 100% sure of whatever I believe, or else it is guilty until proven innocent. It isn't fun.

I've researched and read and thought and doubted while trying to find the "right healthy". The one that really is true. The one that can't be contradicted. The one that is perfect.

I've been researching and reading and thinking and doubting for the past couple months. Then, two weeks ago, God sent me an incredible, incredible gift.

Peace.

Peace in the realization that there isn't a perfect healthy out there. That I need to accept what I have and live life to the fullest. Live life to the fullest for Him. He's the one who made me and loved me and saved me. He should be my life and He is. ("When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." - Colossians 3:4).

You wouldn't believe what it feels like after months of stress, fear, and doubt to be at peace. It feels like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I can now eat this delicious rice casserole in peace and am free to enjoy the rest of my day without (for the most part) analyzing my every bite.

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I really don't have much to complain about in the health realm. After all, when I think about it, I am healthy and God has blessed me with the means to be so. I haven't been sick in over six months. I'm not overweight. I don't suffer from any chronic illnesses or fatigue. Thanks to this website, I'm getting stronger too. And I'm thankful and should use this health to live my life for the Author of life. 

So I've realized there isn't going to be a perfect diet, workout, or whatever that will solve all my problems. You know what else? I've realized that there isn't a perfect life. Not yet, anyways.

Now that isn't as despairing as it sounds. It's helping me to face the problems of life and not be as naive about it. 'Cause I can be. And I know that through all these imperfections, God is perfecting me, making me "...to be conformed to the image of His Son...". (Romans 8:29) One day, I will have a perfect life and be in glory. I'm yearning for that day more and more.

I hope you are discovering this in your life. I have by no means become a saint overnight, without any problems. This is simply a truth the Lord has shown me and I wanted to share. I hope I'm able to remember and rest in it.

St. Augustine and kale chips

I have to do some summer reading for the school year, and one of the books happens to be Saint Augustine's Confessions.

I have surprised myself by not being bored out of my gourd and how easily I'm able to explain what Augustine is saying. If you've never read Confessions, it is basically a memoir written like a pray to God. At the end there is something like an interpretation of the first chapter of Genesis, but I haven't got there yet.

In Book I (I'm reading the version translated by R. S. Pine-Coffin), page 22, Augustine is says this, 

"Do heaven and earth, then, contain the whole of you, since you fill them? Or, when you have once filled them, is some part of you left over because they are too small to hold you? If this is so, when you have filled heaven and earth, does that part of you which remains flow over into some other place? Or is it that you have no need to be contained in anything, because you contain all things in yourself and fill them by reason of the very fact that you contain them? For the things which you fill by containing them do not sustain and support you as a water-vessel supports the liquid which fills it. Even if they were broken into pieces, you would not flow out of them and away. And when you pour yourself out over us, you are not drawn down to us but draw us up to yourself: you are not scattered away, but you gather us together."

Wow. That was what I was thinking as I read this. Wow. What an amazing, incomprehensible God we serve. Augustine is just asking questions, yet these can fill us with awe. I am enjoying the way Confessions makes me marvel at my Creator and think about Things. 

Now, on to a recipe!

Mom made this delicious kale chips yesterday. They take two hours in all to dehydrate, but the kale retains its green color pretty well.

Dehydrated Kale Chips

Tweaked from Modern Girl Nutrition

1 (very) large bunch kale

1 1/2 T. olive oil

1 T. lemon juice

1 T. Braggs Liquid Aminos (or soy sauce)

Salt

Preheat oven to 170 and line two baking sheets with tin foil. Wash kale and tear out spines. Mix all other ingredients, except salt, in a small bowl. Transfer kale to large bowl, pour dressing over it, and toss everything together. Spread on baking sheets in a single layer. Sprinkle with salt. Place sheets oven and dehydrate for 30 minutes. Let sit in oven 30 minutes. Then dehydrate for 35 minutes. Let sit for another 30 minutes and then transfer to cooling rack. Try not to eat it all.

And this our life, exempt from public haunt,

Finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks,
Sermons in stones, and good in everything. 
I would not change it.

-"As You Like It", act II, scene I

Yesterday (Sunday) my family took a little trip into Delaware. We visited Winterthur, a public garden and mansion-turned-museum. If I remember correctly, the Du Pont family (yes, related to the Du Ponts of Longwood) lived in the large mansion during the early 1900's. I like the history of that time period, and whenever I go to Winterthur I have this longing to be transported back to the days when the Du Ponts still lived there (in a swishy gown and long pearl necklace, of course).

The three photos below were taken last year, but it gives you an idea of how grand the house is.

The gardens are lovely, especially the Quarry Garden, which was an actual quarry at one point. When we visited, primroses carpeted the marshy floor in bright colors. 

There's a little stream that runs through the Quarry Garden. I loved watching the crisscrossed ripples it makes and the tiny waterfalls that trickle down from overhanging rocks. There's just something wonderful about streams, rivers, and even the ocean.

We also toured a lovely little peony garden. I love this kind of flower.

Hey! That's not a peony!

And we must always stop to pay a visit at the fish pond! 

Also, does anyone else feel themselves become strangely poetic when they're surrounded by beauty? I had some of the silliest and most random thoughts yesterday! Such as, This stagnant pool isn't the same as the stream. It is water, but it doesn't go anywhere like the stream. It was in much more poetic wording, though. :)

All in all it was a lovely day. Picnic in the car, beautiful scenery, and my family. Oh, and an elderly lady with an English accent at the end. ;)

Blessed be Your name.

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Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord          
Blessed be the name of the Lord 
Blessed be Your glorious name

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Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name                         
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord                                                       
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name 

-"Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman

I was just singing this to myself yesterday. I sang the fourth verse and thought, Wow, I really need to work on this! God has just brought me through a tough and stressful time, and now I feel ready, like I've got everything together. I really did think something similar to this: Okay, I'm set. I can praise God's name now! I can really believe Psalm 56:9b!  

God is always, always for me, even "on the road marked with suffering".

Free to eat.

A couple evenings ago I enjoyed a gooey chocolate magnum bar for dessert. I was a little unsure if I would have one, but in the end I just went for it. Why did I hesitate? Well, I'm interested in health and nutrition, and these...aren't. (high fructose corn syrup? What!?!)

I've struggled with finding a balance between eating healthy and enjoying my food. Now, I'm not saying healthy food is icky (it can be quite delicious), but I still want to be "free" enough to eat magnum bars with my family. After all, it's not something we have in the house very often and meals are a time to share things with my family, be they magnum bars or some chia-kale-coconut-liver mush. (just kidding)

We shouldn't become slaves to our food: it's something that nourishes and delights us. I can get very conscious and even a little paranoid about my food: Oh, does it have too much sugar? Ack, it has modified corn starch! We're all gonna DIE!!!

I don't want this interest in health to get in the way of savoring my food. If I'm constantly thinking of food in regard to their micro and macronutrients, I might as well open a can of calcium and order protein in bulk. See what I mean? It takes the joy out of eating if I'm simply thinking what vitamins I'm getting out of this and how I'm going to be affected by that.

All this isn't to say we should eat cupcakes for breakfast and ignore the veggies. We should be good stewards in taking care of the body God gave us. We just shouldn't become slaves to this task or become so preoccupied that we don't enjoy our meals anymore. It isn't a "sin" to eat a french fry. Jesus Himself declared all food clean (Mark 7:18-20). This doesn't necessarily mean that we should go and binge on sugar, but that we shouldn't feel like we're "defiling" ourselves if we have some birthday cake. 

I went grain-free for a couple months, but I just stopped two weeks ago. I've never been unhealthy and I don't think I was better off not eating grains. In fact, I think I was worse off emotionally! I would keep questioning my decision, which led to many tears and anger at God. I was mad that He'd given me this interest that was causing me pain. I also felt left out if my family was eating something I "couldn't". And remember that paranoia? I got so bad that I would even pick out the individual grains of rice that somehow got into the leftovers. So I went back. 

I'm still finding a balance between caring for my body and enjoying my food. I'm sure I'll never find the perfect balance, but I hope I will not be so preoccupied that I cannot enjoy a magnum bar with my family.

Wonderfully Forgotten.

Isn't it lovely how we forget the joy spring brings? I remember that spring brings flowers, birds, budding trees, and beautiful weather. But I don't exactly remember the feelings it brings. The excitement of seeing the first sprouts poking through the vegetable beds. The wonder of seeing our magnolia, full of pink and white blossoms, tossing its branches in the breeze. The happiness that the sound of birds can bring. 

I'm glad I don't remember.

These pictures are from a recent excursion to the pasture behind our house. I've always wanted a stream in our backyard and I just now realized that I sort of do, even if I share it with cows. :)

Filling up my space.

"I am content to fill a little space if God be glorified." -Susannah Wesley

"So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." -1 Corinthians 10:31

"Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness." -Romans 12:6-8

I want to fill up my life's little space with things that will glorify God, bless others, and make beauty and happiness. Right now, my space consists (mainly) of family, school, and friends. How can I fill this space with something that will glorify God? I could be discouraged, because, since I'm just fourteen, I can't do anything "big" (become a missionary, open an orphanage). But is doing "big" things the only way to glorify God? Of course not! This seems like an obvious answer, and it is, but that doesn't keep me from forgetting it. Even the small, every day things can be a way to bring glory to God.

I have my own gifts, gifts that God Himself gave me, and I can use them. My gift may be in baking or being a help around the house. These little things can be a blessing, no matter how mundane they may seem. By baking muffins, I'm making my brothers happy. By cleaning up the kitchen, I'm making Mom happy and perhaps letting her have a little rest. This in turn can give me joy in knowing that I am serving others and making them happy. Being fourteen doesn't mean I cannot do things that will please my Creator. In offering to play a game with my younger brother, I am pleasing Him. In volunteering to do the hand dishes, I am glorifying Him. Every little deed or word can be something that will please Him.

It isn't just the big things like going overseas or working with charity (though these are good things) that are pleasing to the Lord. Completing the work set before us--whether it is school, preparing a meal, or doing yard work--with responsibility or cheerfulness is a simple way that we can bring glory to God through our day to day lives. Looking for ways to serve others with acts of love and service is something that's important and pleasing, too. So let's strive to fill our space with God-glorifying things, using the different gifts he has given us to the best of our ability.

He knows.

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I get flustered and stressed over so many things. School, friends, health, my faith. I get a feeling of emptiness at times or think that my day was just worthless. It is then that I need peace and strength to go on without being weighed down by these things. Where do I find it though? The obvious and correct answer is God, but how do I find my peace in Him? I can't just say, "Everything's all right, so stop moping and straighten up!"

Why is everything all right? Because the Lord knows my struggles and questions, how I'm feeling that day, what stupid thing I need forgiveness for. He knows me and He is with me through every one of those struggles. Even as I stumble and make mistakes, God is right there to forgive me and help me up. It gives me peace and courage to go on because of His forgiveness and love. He is always giving me second chances to do better, always bringing me through the stressful days. He is there to counsel, strengthen, love, and guide. He gives us His holy Word to comfort and encourage. We are His adopted children and He will not abandon us.

What a wonderful God we serve!   

Here it goes...

...my first post. I decided to start out with some thoughts on Psalm 42:5-6a.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, 
and why are you in turmoil
within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him,
my salvation and my God."

The Christian life is hard. It just is. There are trials, temptations, and pits for us to fall into. When I run up against something difficult, I tend to be a mess. Why is this happening? Where are you Lord? Help! My soul can become very cast down, like the man in the psalm. 

If I just ran to God immediately, told Him my troubles, and looked to Him for counsel, how much pain could I avoid? Probably a lot, but I just break down and do not "hope in God". I run from the comfort He could give, the peace in the knowledge that He is my salvation and God, that I am His child. Christ is always, always, always, there for me. Yet I insist on relying on myself instead of Him, causing pain and fear. I do run back to Him, eventually, but after I have turned from His love. It would be wonderful if I'd just learn to put my hope completely in God. Then I would be free to praise Him for His great love and strength in carrying me through trials. This is hard though, because my mind fills with doubts and I won't choose to be comforted. Isn't it strange how we can want to wallow in our suffering, when our Creator is there to pull us out of the mire?

The psalmist asks a good question. Why should our souls be downcast when we could be joyfully praising God, trusting our burdens in His mighty hands?