I'm an introvert. Oftentimes I want to curl up in a corner after being with a lot of people for a long amount of time. Or I just don't want to be with people from the start. For a while there, I would feel quite sorry for myself, because I thought no one wanted to include me in the conversation. The fact is, I didn't want to include myself in the conversation, but it got so I thought it was everyone else's fault. Unfortunately, I only realized it this school year and am only just now starting to work on that.
Here's an excerpt from my journal that shows what I mean (with some changes where they were needed):
{some people had suggested a group of us go to Prince Street after an activity}...I wanted to go, but after thinking about it, I was sure I couldn't go. Transportation just wasn't happening, plus I didn't have any clothes to change into {I was in a costume}. I thought about it on the way home. I think I probably wouldn't have had the best time if I had gone, because I don't feel "in". I wanted to go, though, because I wish I had a group of friends I was close to, shared memories with, and was appreciated by {by the way, I do have friends, but things aren't always just the way I imagine they should be. Plus, when I'm all woe-is-me, things don't look quite the same :)}. I want to have friendships where I feel comfortable, relaxed, and don't need to say anything. I feel like I'm not very good with relationships. I want to get better at being more open and vulnerable, but I just can't. I want to have a place where I feel welcomed, safe, and...oh, I dunno. I guess I wish I was more extroverted and gushy, even. It's confusing {tell me about it}. I want to be better at giving, and not just receiving. I have felt like a loner this year, since I stay at home doing school so much. Unfortunately, that's pretty much who I am. It's weird, I'm like an introvert who wants to be an extrovert. I want more people and relationships in my life, but I don't like more people and relationships. I want to like them! I want to hang out with people and laugh and share. I don't like it though. I want to hang out with people at cafés, but I don't like it. Ugh. I'm afraid I want relationships where people appreciate me and where I feel comfortable, but don't have to step over my comfort zone and actually contribute (which is supposed to happen in friendships). I've got these two parts of myself fighting against each other. I want friendships, but somehow expect them to come waltzing along with no effort from me. That's not right.
So this is what I've been working on: being an intentional friend, actually trying to connect to people (not just blaming things on them, which they usually don't deserve). And I have (slowly) gotten better at it.
To continue....
